Crafty crap...

I am ITCHING to do craft stuff lately- maybe even start on etsy so I have an outlet for all these items I'm imagining producing.
I'm remembering the birthday where I got a little sewing machine. This was a long time ago, in the Graham Street house. This was before the bed was moved against the west wall, before Dad built a canvas divider so I could have my own "space" in the long attic room. So it must've been my 7th or 8th birthday because the bed was against the east wall- I can remember Carrie and me lying there and practicing our faux espanol, a treasured activity. I picture everyone in my bed in the morning: Dad, Mom, Carrie and Baby Erin. It seems strange that I was opening presents in bed, because birthdays were normally a fairly formal event ("formal" is used very loosely here), around the table, opening presents and eating my mom's chocolate cake with the white frosting and the words in scripted, unsweetened chocolate across the top...

So all of my family piled around me, and I open....THE SEWING MACHINE.  I'm not even sure it was real. I think it was plastic and worked by punching yarn through cardboard or something. Nevertheless, I've been crafty since then, though I'm really not great at crafts- I love making things!
I have been looking at tooth fairy pillows so I can make some pretty ones for my nieces, whose tiny teeth burrow deep into the sheets while their mother searches blindly in the dead of night.

And the semester is over.
And I have a pile of books.
And piles of yarn.
And ideas....

On my way up north/Up on the ventura/I pulled back the hood/and I was talking to you

Way up north I took my day
All in all was a pretty nice day
And I put the hood right back where
you could taste heaven perfectly
Feel out the summer breeze
Didn't know when we'd be back
And I don't- I didn't think -
we'd end up like this
-Tori Amos "A Sorta Fairytale"

Hitting the wall/Holidays

My sisters and Zack and me...1999

So far in my academic career, October seems to be the worst. But guess what- I made it through October this year almost without stopping. It passed me by and before I knew it November was here and I could see light at the end of the tunnel! But November has thrown me for a loop! I started the month with a swollen upper lip and a torn up mouth from the orthodontist office. It left me unable to talk and I had to walk around (and teach and go to class) with a giant wad of white silicone attached to one side of my upper braces. Once I finally (sort of) healed from that, I got the Mother of All Migraines which began with a light headache last Wednesday, and turned into a migraine the following Saturday behind

Thanksgiving 1995

my left eye. It disappeared with the help of Excedrin on Tuesday, then came back on Wednesday behind my other eye. I think it finally went away for good yesterday, though today I'm feeling twinges behind my right eye. During all this November stuff, I'm also unfortunately suffering some extremely negative side effects of switching up one of my meds. I'm exhausted, I feel like I have nothing left. I hate holidays- specifically Thanksgiving and Christmas. My dad and grandparents are dead, my sisters live far away.    I miss Zack and the holidays from a long time ago. The holidays will never hold the magic that they did when you were younger- so I kind of wish I could just fast forward through them.

Dreary, dreary November

Oh, November! As if I weren't already falling, you give me such a push! There are times I wish I could draw like this, or paint, or play guitar- anything to fill the emptiness that not writing has left. But there's no time, and more and more of my days are filled with academia--which I love, but isn't nearly as fulfilling as creative endeavors. I knit in my downtime to relax and to feel creative- even that, though, is fraught with my need for perfection. I find myself tearing out two days' worth of stitches. Starting over.

Sentimental

What do I do with my old wedding rings? Two nights ago, I dreamed I looked down and my wedding ring was back on my finger- I was horrified and it woke me up. I think the rings are in an envelope upstairs in a closet. They aren't worth any money or I'd buy something I really wanted with them. I could save them for Zack but not even sure he'd want them. I'm not sure why I still have them. The older ring was my ex-mother-in-law's first wedding ring. I could be super nice and give it back to her- like I said, it's not worth any money. Maybe the newer one I'll go ahead and pawn and buy some books or a pair of shoes. Or should I melt them down and have something made for my nieces? Ever since the dream, those rings are really bothering me.

Sutton Wilderness

It's been pouring all afternoon, but I made a hike around the Sutton Wilderness Trail before the rain. I remember the abandoned homeless camp we found there one afternoon, hidden deep in the woods- the photographs we took in the dead of winter when the light hid from us, and again when summer had barely begun and we had to search for shadows. Today the weight of my betrayals has slowed my step; the October I can't ever begin to forgive. The hedge-apples are rolling down the hill, toward the lake, and each renegade sunflower-weed pretends it's still July.

A typical week

I'm trying to catch myself either coming or going and see how I'm doing... but then I just finished reading this article about a woman at OU with 11 children who was just accepted to Harvard for a master's degree...MY GAWD! and I think I have no time?

Here's my work week:
research assistant for political science: 10-15 hours weekly
teaching, office hours, prepping, grading: 10-15 hours weekly
regular coursework and attending classes: 10 hours weekly
directed readings work: 5-10 hours weekly
(if you're keeping track, on a rough week that's 50 hours SO FAR...)
I also have two papers I'm trying to get published that need revising....I'm also supposed to be exercising during the day and making time for things like eating.... I'll be happy when this semester is over.