I started Tai Chi. I'm so used to jumping into a new class and just moving around- getting my bearings- bluffing my way through what I don't know. Not so in Tai Chi. Our instructor is trained in Tai Chi but hasn't taught it much. He was a bit uncomfortable in front of us. He taught us the first move: Stand like this, feet apart, arms loose, head straight, imagine you are holding an egg in each armpit. Then we stood and stood. And stood. He circled our group, making minute adjustments here and there. "This is IT?" I thought, waiting for the next instruction to come. I need to move and jump around and burn calories and and and... Here is the next move, hold your hands in front of your body as if you're holding a ball. Hold your hands like this. Angle your thumbs like this. We stood and stood and stood and-- It made me laugh at myself- my own discomfort at having to stand still, doing nothing. Thinking. Breathing. Blinking. Holding. I got the impression that bees were buzzing inside my mouth, humming against my lips. My arms shook. It was early in the morning, 7am. I think my ears were ringing.
I think I learned something about learning.
We'll see how I do this Thursday with the two "moves" I memorized.
Ooooh the headaches! The lethargy! The desire to avoid anything remotely connected to the fact that the semester starts next week and I AM NOT READY.
If I could get paid for making all the crap I find on Pinterest and Etsy and shopping at Target- oh and reading- I'd have a pretty nice lifestyle.
Up until 2am last night with my headache, trying to decide if I could quit my part time research job and still survive. I probably could survive, albeit without so much Target shopping. I am probably the only middle class person in America who feels terribly guilty after spending an afternoon at Target to buy $5 clearance rack shirts and sweaters and new towels. But I've been avoiding my office on campus like it contains the plague. Maybe it does. I'm not ready for this semester: taking 6 hours, teaching 3 hours, finishing the grant project by April, working 15 hours a week as a researcher/writer for the political science department. It's enough to make a girl scream. And sometimes I do. And sometimes I just shop.
I feel sooo ambivalent about school right now, although I love it. If I could trade it in for a 40-hour a week mindless job, would I do it?
I need to make a list and/or a spreadsheet so I can figure out where I will be finding this time.
I'm absolutely DYING for some green! Might have to go seek out some greenhouses around here and look for more plants (to kill and/or nurture) in my spare time.
I'm so excited thinking about a garden for summer- because I knew I would miss half of summer 2011, I did nothing. Just visualizing what I could do has made me stay awake at night, because I haven't really gardened for a long time. Also, I just realized my office windows face east and I might *possibly* be able to keep some African violets (haha- I just spelled it "violents") alive. We'll see. The promise of warm weather in spring and summer is the only thing keeping me going during these dreary days!
This is true. That knots of bitterness bloom into trees
whose branches knock against my window at night. Rip the bark with your beak,
let your death rattle echo through the drowning tupelo groves. Try to sing and
you'll only choke. This is what I'm trying to warn you about. If you vomit
sawdust, you deserve it. Oh, you deserve it for every song you refused to sing
for me. I tire of waiting for you. Ignore the bough tapping the window glass while I
try to fall back asleep, swallowing blood and dust and songs. All for you.